After the Storm...

...There will be a rainbow.  I just know it.  February was a some what awful month filled with heartache and pain, but I feel like good things are coming!  The month started off with the passing of my assistant's mother.  She was in her 80's and lived a lovely and long life that produced many children.  She went to Heaven to be with her husband, whom she longed to see for 17 months.

 The following week was the anniversary of my mother's passing.  This year we hit the big 1-0 mark. A whole decade.  It really doesn't seem that long because time has just flown by.  That same day I went to get my first ultrasound.  Yes, a pregnancy due date ultrasound.  You see, in January we were surprised to find out that we were pregnant.  It happened so fast this time! We were very excited because Audrey and the new baby would be 25/26 months apart.  How cool!  Elijah was out of town on the day of my ultrasound so my friend Melinda came for support and to help with Audrey.  We went in and Audrey was having a total fit!  You could tell that the ultrasound tech was a little flustered.  We were able to see our "smudge" and she told me that the baby was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day rather than 7 weeks 1 day.  This is fairly normal as ovulation could have happened later and our days were just off.  She also told me that I had a very small subchorionic bleed.  I was told that this is also considered very common and on a scale of 1 to 10 mine was a 1/2.  She tried to find a heartbeat and kept telling me to hold my breath.  The heart beat never showed up clearly on the monitor, but she said that she saw a flutter and that was good and because I was so early that could explain it.  The whole time my ultrasound was going on Audrey was sprawled across me after crying uncontrollably.  I left feeling uncertain and not quite right, but what could I do?

The first ultrasound

The next week I got a text from Elijah saying that my midwife called and said I should call her back. I started panicking.  I was at work, but needed to hear what she said.  I called her back and she told me that she wanted another ultrasound to see the heartbeat.  I was crying in the back of my classroom because I knew this just wasn't normal and she said that based on my calculations we should have seen a heartbeat.  It was a long 2 weeks and the day before my ultrasound I started to bleed.  Now I hoped that it was because of that subchorionic bleed which could be expelling, as most do, but deep down I knew what was happening.  My fears were confirmed at our appointment.  The baby hadn't grown. It was still showing  6 weeks and 1 day and I should have been 9.  I was heartbroken.  The ultrasound tech was so very sweet and she just said it was a matter of time and to let my body do it's job.

I continued to bleed after that appointment and knowing what it all meant.  At work on Wednesday of that week the majority of what was my pregnancy was gone.  It was horrible and something I would never wish upon anyone.  In my heart I feel like I knew that this pregnancy would never work out.  I never felt a connection and didn't feel right.  Maybe it was mother's intuition.  I thank God that this happened the second time around and not the first.  There was no way I could have been as strong if we had tried for four years like we did with Audrey only to have it end up in failure.  I am so thankful for her!  Through this whole situation I continued to look at her and say, "at least I have her.  Audrey is an amazing child, a ray of sunshine."  A friend told me that my mom just needed a baby to hold and she chose her grandchild.  Maybe she's right and my mom is keeping this little one safe for me until I get to see them! And to add to the heartache, my consolation prize was a bill I got in the mail for $139.28 for my failed pregnancy. Thanks for that.    But, I feel confident that when the timing is right it will happen again and from this I can only grow stronger!

She makes everything feel better in my heart!

Even after all that turmoil there was 1 more thing that just had to happen!  My best friend's 5 year old daughter got admitted to the hospital for 5 days.  She was battling what the doctors thought was a nasty viral infection, only to find out that she had Kawasaki Disease.  In a nutshell, this means that her body started to fight itself, rather than the infection.  This is very scary since it can have an effect on the coronary arteries and in a worst case scenario, a heart attack.  She ended up having a transfusion of sorts where they slow dripped antibodies into her blood stream so her body could fight the infection.  We are happy to say that she is now back at school and is happy and HEALTHY!! I love this little girl so much and was there just a short time after she was born.  I don't know what I would do if something horrible happened to her.

The bestie and her lovely...4 years ago!!  Boy has she grown!

As you can tell, this month really was hard, but in the end it made me believe that I can weather any storm and it made me appreciate the family that I do have here on Earth even more.  This month also showed me how supportive my friends at home AND at work are and without them I could not be as strong. So here is to that Rainbow that WILL appear after this storm is over!